Today – Day 11

They say time is the best healer. Yet some wounds are never healed and some gaps never filled. 4 years ago I got that call. A call that no child ever wants to hear. A call that changed my life forever. Miss you still Baba. Miss you so very much. Miss your larger than life presence. Miss your smile, your voice, your touch and so much more. Miss everything I had taken for granted and thought would last forever. In that one call my forever changed. I realized the unpredictability of life.

It was a Monday, a usual cold January day here. The holiday season was just over but hubby still had some holidays left, so we were planning a trip to the mountains. We were bored with monotony and wanted change. Little did I know how my life would change in matter of a few hours. Just like everyday morning that day too I had called up my parents. My dad was home from work and picked up the phone. He was continuously complaining of a headache. I told him probably it was a cold. After asking me how we were doing and about Daughter (who was 14 months then), he also complained I had not been sending her recent pictures. He told me by the time he would log in the next day he should get some of her latest pictures. Then he told me,” Talk to your mum, my headache is really bothering me.” And those were the last words he spoke to me.

That afternoon I clicked a lot of Daughter’s pictures but he never got a chance to see them. That very night he was taken to a hospital as after a few hours of talking to me he was unable to move his right side of the body. And believe me I was oblivious to all this and went about doing my normal day’s work. I still remember it was around 6:15 that Monday evening, when I got that dreaded call. It was my mum. She had waited to call me for she knew that by 6 hubby would be home and she didn’t want to give me the news when I was alone with a baby. But that time the news was, that he had had a severe heart attack and things were pretty grim. That day I honestly felt the ground had moved from my feet. I was so unprepared. How can a hale and hearty man get a heart attack just like that?? I felt it was some sort of nightmare and wanted to wake up. But everything was so real.

We tried to book tickets online but in vain. Since it was past the business hours we couldn’t get hold of a travel agent. So on Tuesday we were able to get tickets for early Thursday morning. God knows how we lived those 3 days dreading the sound of phones yet praying for good news. Never in my life have I felt so helpless and restless. Every day was a living hell.  I acted like a zombie not shedding a drop of tear. We started our journey from here still hearing things are stable and probably he would pull through.

That was the first time we reached India and my dad was not there at the airport. He didn’t even know we would reach that day. After reaching home we were told to go to the hospital straight and that’s when I realized that things weren’t good. I’ll never forget how I saw him that day. My dad who was so full of life was laying so still. You know probably it was then the reality actually started to sink in. It took a lot of effort for me to not break down and cry.  He was almost in coma by the time we reached. I had touched him very lightly though I wanted to shake him with all my might. I so wish I had stayed that night with him. I wish I had put up an argument and told everyone what I wanted. But my mind was kind of frozen. I was just doing what everybody was telling me and not letting myself feel. That night he had two more attacks and he was gone the next morning. I can’t believe I left him there all by himself and I live with that guilt every day.

Even though I have come a long  way since then but still there are days that are so difficult. I still wish things were different. It’s so difficult for me to accept that Daughter will never get to know him. He will never be there to receive us from the airport . Though he died on January 16^th but today is the day he last spoke to me. To me, today is the day I lost him forever. May he rest in peace and be happy wherever he is.