There are days when you feel the whole world is conspiring against you. Today was such a day for me. No matter how hard I tried but something or the other was there waiting stealthily to get me. These days I have been stressed over a lot of issues and having these kind of days don’t help. I tried coming out of it and on a number of occasions I felt successful but in the end the stress won over me.
The biggest problem in our home is that everything revolves around my mood. If I’am happy and chirpy, the hubby and Daughter are also happy but the days when I’am down it seems someone has sucked out the energy out of our home. I often feel it’s not fair. The responsibility sometimes gets to me. I’am entitled to have off days too. But looking at their faces I feel guilty. Whenever I talk to my mum about it, she tells me I’am lucky that they care for me so much. But honestly on days like today I don’t feel lucky, I just feel it’s a huge responsibility. Some days I just want to be left alone.
Daughter is now at an age where she can very well sense my mood. She tries to make me happy and after every two minutes will look up to me and say ” mommy smile”. I have often told her that it’s all right for mommy to not be super happy all the time but I guess that’s asking too much from a 5 year old who is so used to her mommy clowning around. More often than not it is she who pulls me out of these moods but then again some days, it gets from bad to worse.
I honestly don’t know whether I overreacted today or would I really have felt bad even if I wasn’t already stressed. No prize for guessing with whom I’am upset. Yes!! It is the hubby. I honestly don’t know how he has the power of still making me behave like a foolish teenager with love struck eyes. We have been married for more than a decade, for god’s sake. You would think I would be a little more mature than this. Atleast I can pretend to be one and not show him how little things still hurt me. I don’t react how I used to especially since having Daughter and these days I often don’t tell him what really is bothering me but being married to your best friend has some disadvantages, I guess. 8 out of 10 times, he guesses them right.
Like today, I know whatever happened he didn’t mean to atleast not to hurt me. Yet I’am hurt and sulking. When he comes to talk to me, I refuse to talk. Yet when he goes away I silently will him to come back. If only he would hug me, I say to myself. I don’t want to sleep without making up.