Have you ever experienced fear?? I don’t mean the random fears that we have in our day to day lives. I mean a particular fear that is very deep rooted. I mean a fear that is always there. A fear that almost controls your life. A fear, when you think about it, it almost makes it difficult to breathe. A fear that you avoided for all this while and are suddenly faced with it. You know you have no choice but to face it or pack away all your dreams. A fear you thought would just go away and one day you would wake up and just find yourself doing what you have always been scared of without any shred of the old fear.
As crazy (or stupid) as it might sound but I had deceived myself into thinking one day my fear would just disappear. I waited for that miracle but it didn’t happen. It took me some time but I realized miracles like that don’t happen. You need to sweat and slog to make it happen. Even after realizing all this, I really didn’t do anything to overcome my fear. I convinced myself into thinking that my fear is bigger than me. And that was my greatest mistake. Instead of trying to overcome it, I thought I would face my fear only if I had to. I was so convinced I could never do it. I forgot it was my life and thus it was my choice. Albeit subconsciously, but none the less I was making a choice to live with my fear and let it grow in me.
Little did I know life had other plans for me. I was very soon in a position where I actually had to face it. I knew I was in deep waters. I knew I had to do something rather than wait for a miracle. I was at dangerous crossroads. I needed to do something that I had convinced myself I could never do. If I thought my fear was bigger before, it was enormous now. And I had nobody to blame but me. Yet I was left with no choice but to face it.
I faced it alright but I failed miserably. I lived up to my expectation of not being able to do it. I shed a lot of tears that day. Cried, cried and cried. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. But somewhere deep I was desperate to overcome my greatest enemy. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. It proved to be an uphill battle. But things got better. Not in a day or week but it took a lot of effort. Not only from me but the hubby and Daughter as well. If it wasn’t for these two I would never try to overcome my fear. I would have been happy believing I can never do it. It is an exhilarating feeling to be bigger than your fear.
I’am not a 100% over my fear yet. Probably I never will be but I will not let it control my life. I will not give up. Not after coming so close. Right now I’am happy that in spite of the fear, I’am trying it and doing good. I also realized that it’s ok to be scared. My only regret is I wish I realized it a little sooner.
Tomorrow is a big day for me personally. I hope I don’t disappoint myself.
So our move has been delayed by a few days. How many?? We are not exactly sure yet. Anyway I have decided not to stress about it. Things over which I have no control, no use fretting about them. It’s going to be a challenge living with boxes around us. But I think we will survive and in the end it’s going to be well worth the wait.
The long summer break is over. Today was Daughter’s Kindergarten Orientation and tomorrow, it’s going to be the first full day of school. We have been reading ‘The Night Before Kindergarten’ for the last few nights. And in Daughter’s words, ‘today is actually the night before kindergarten’. I have done all the prep talk with Daughter. We have gone through the private parts and all the do’s and don’ts. Unlike some of my friends who feel uncomfortable talking about these things and thereby fool themselves into believing that ‘those stuffs’ are only meant to be read in newspaper, I believe in arming my Daughter with knowledge appropriate for a 5 year old. Of course like most of you, I too question whether I’am going overboard with information or am I stealing her innocence. Yet when I see her so full of innocence and so easily trusting, I sometimes shudder with fear. For her monsters exist in story books. Once when we were having one of ‘our talks’, she asked me “Mommy why would anyone want to hurt me, I’am just a kid and I’am not mean either.” I honestly didn’t know how to answer that and quickly changed the subject. Anyway I don’t want to discuss the harsh realities of the world today. While she sleeps peacefully in the next room dreaming of a colorful classroom and of shared lunch boxes, I silently send out a prayer to the Gods above to keep my little girl safe.
Well this weekend was pretty relaxing for a change. Initially our plan was to move next weekend, so we had done quite a lot of packing last week. Most of the donating and clutter-clearing is done. So this weekend we took it a little easy. We met a few of our new neighbors and they seemed to be pretty nice. The good thing in our new neighborhood is there are a lot of little girls. So Daughter is super excited about having friends next door. In fact we found out some of the kids who went to the same daycare also live in our street. I feel good coz that way she will have a lot of familiar faces when she rides the bus as well as in her class. She has always stood out in the class because she was the only Asian. But after 3 years of daycare here, she is now used to it. Although I won’t deny the fact that I wish there were some Indian kids around. But she is comfortable even though the rare question of skin color does shoot up sometime.
From tomorrow I’ll have lots of me-time. I have been cribbing about it to the husband. But in all honesty, I’am going to miss her like crazy. We will get into pattern and slowly get used to it but till then it’s going to be heart wrenching for me. I think I need to start thinking about what I’am going to do with all those extra time once Daughter settles down in school routine and we move and settle in the new house. Till then let me enjoy this ‘me-time’ without feeling guilty about it.
The other thing that needs to get right back on track is our healthy eating lifestyle. That has gone for a toss for sometime now. We have been eating out soooo much in the last few weeks. Generally we try to limit ourselves with once a week. But lately we have been eating out like there’s no tomorrow. Breakfast / Lunch / Dinner / Snack / Dessert – you name it and we have done it. There have been days where we ate out more than once. That too inspite of cooking at home. Some days I cooked but at the end of the day didn’t want to eat it. So lo and behold we ate out. But with starting school, all that has to change. Our routine is going to have to make a comeback.
Gosh !! That was a lot of rambling for one day. Don’t you think so ?? But since there is hardly any ‘you’ around, I can go on for now with my nonstop chatter-clatter.
Just when I think, things are almost going according to the way I planned, I’am in for a surprise. Just when I calm myself and try to look at the positive side of the change in events, a new set of change with a sprinkle of uncertainty is thrown in. I am a person who needs plans, uncertainty shifts my equilibrium. For me to function with sanity, I need to have a PLAN. I need to know what to expect next. I like adventures as long as we are on an unplanned trip. But even that’s very rare these days given our ever-increasing penchant for reviews about the destination and the hotels. I know I’am going nowhere with this post. It’s just that I’am so freaking mad and upset with the builders today.
Moving seems to be getting like a mirage. Each time we feel we are progressing nicely, we are met with a glitch. Trust me we thought we would be in the house by summer. That way Daughter would get a chance to settle in before school starts. But soon realized that’s not going to be possible. I made my peace with that too. I was soon caught up making plans and arrangements for the move with all excitement. But all hell broke loose today again.
Today afternoon we went to check on the progress of the house. We have been doing it almost regularly now and have been very happy with the progress. My doubts were just beginning to ease up regarding getting everything done before the closing which is scheduled for the 29th of this month. Hubby had been trying to get hold of our project manager since yesterday without much luck. We needed to get in touch with him regarding certain issues but kept getting his voicemail. It irritates me to no end when people don’t call back after hearing it’s urgent. Still I tried to give him the benefit of doubt until today. Today when we drove up, we saw him at the site. It was a relief to know that he had taken care of the issues. I excused the fact that he should have had the decency to let us know either by calling or a one line text. It really doesn’t take that much time when he knew we were repeatedly trying to reach him. After asking him whether we are in schedule and getting ready for closing, he announces that they are having issues with the electric company. And unless that’s resolved we can’t close. Just like that he announces, as if it was not something we needed to know but he told us anyhow. I was like, *What the hell !!* . Not only that, apparently they don’t have a clue when they can have the electric meter installed.
We told him our lease is going to end on the 31st. And that we have made all arrangements to move on the 30th. If they don’t let us know, we’ll be in a big soup. We need to let our property manager know and extend another month in the current apartment and reschedule everything. That’s going to be a lot of work and we need to do these in advance. He said he would let us know but you know what I really don’t trust him.
Right now we have two choice – 1) carry on the way it’s going and by next Wednesday, see where we stand and call the shots from there. No use stressing till then. Just hope the electricity issue gets resolved by then. OR 2) start rescheduling everything now and extend the lease right away. Call the moving company and change the dates. This would ideally be the best option but only downside is it’s also the costliest one. If luckily everything does go according to the initial plan then unnecessarily we would have to pay rent and utilities for this apartment as well. So right now I don’t want to think of 2 as an option at least not until we have to. I’am just hoping for some good news.
As it is I’am hating living with boxes around me, and these unexpected turn of events is just making things worse. I was counting on the Labor Day long weekend to move and settle in. I guess we were getting too excited with the upcoming closing that we jinxed it.
To my darling Princess,
The back packs are almost packed. The lunch bag sit on the counter to be packed in the morning. The school supplies are all bought. The pencils sharpened with pointy tips. Everything neatly marked and tagged. The crayons waiting to color your already colorful world.
The mails from the school are here announcing your assigned home room and teacher. The welcome to kindergarten letter sounded so warm. It made everything more real to me. Yet the mind does not rest. Just after each query is answered, a new set of questions arise. I know you are independent and can take care of almost all of your needs. I keep telling myself that your teacher is a very sweet person and school is going to be so much fun. As hard to believe as it may sound but you really do like to do daily assignments. Of course for that I give a lot of credit to the teachers and the system of education here since they make learning so much fun.
Even after knowing all this, it’s difficult for me to believe that you will be going to school for full day. It’s nearly impossible to grasp that you, my little birdie have grown enough to flap your wings and fly. May you always find the wind beneath your wings to help you soar high.
In two more weeks school starts. Already we have made numerous trips to the school for different activities. And I must say you feel very safe and happy there. And for that I shall forever be so thankful. The teachers and principal know most of the kids by their first names even before the school year has officially started. And to me that’s pretty impressive. Yesterday we had a Popsicle Party at your school. It was once again an organized opportunity for the parents to mingle amongst themselves as well as with the respective teachers. You guys had a blast playing. Already you didn’t want to come home. I must say my mind has also eased up a lot. A lot of my questions and concerns were answered yesterday. So yes I feel better already. As for you, you are already very enamored by your new teacher. You also told me the teacher you wanted is the one you got. So what more can I ask….
Anyway as you start this very important new journey, my only hope for you is that you put in your 100% most of the time if not all 🙂 and that you make a lot of friends and have fun. As I keep telling you, to enjoy what you do and then the rest will come easy. I hope your curious little mind never stops asking the million questions. I hope the love that you have for reading never ceases. The wonder in those bright big eyes forever sparkle. Be the kind and considerate girl you always are.
And always remember no matter what mommy and daddy will always be there for you. Love you (as you always say) up to the sky and beyond, princess.
July has been one crazy month for us. And August will be crazier 🙂 to say the least. Infact so will September be. I think things will settle down a bit after mid September if all goes well. I have been meaning to write here quite a bit but most of my posts didn’t get a chance to see the light of day. In fact I started to write this sometime last week but just after a few lines was caught up in other things.
If all goes well we will get the keys of the new house on 29th. I dread to think what will happen if we don’t. The sheer thought makes me hyperventilate. We have already given our notice for the current apartment and booked the movers for the 30th. All the new furniture delivery is scheduled accordingly. So we will be in a soup, to say the least in case if all does not go well. But let’s keep our fingers crossed till then.
Daughter is starting kindergarten on the 25th. So we will be having only 4 days of inconvenience which is going to school from our current place. She is super excited about all the happenings and new beginnings. So are we. Hopefully August will see two big milestones of our lives.
The to-do list is endless. But there is a satisfaction and a level of excitement each time a thing is checked off. We visit the new home almost every other day to see the progress. While some days we are disappointed that things are not moving speedily enough, other days we are surprised at how much has been done in a day’s work. Daughter is already in love with her new room. To be fair, I should say she is equally enthusiastic about the whole house.
Most of the big furniture purchases are done. The only thing which we are struggling with is the appliances. OMG that is making us go in circles. That too most of the things are provided by the builders apart from the refrigerator and washer/dryer. Anyway we are losing on time, and we need to decide very soon if we want them to be delivered on time.
The packing is still not done. I know the week of 25th is going to be very crazy with my girl starting school and us getting ready to move. It’s going to be a time when Daughter might be a little too overwhelmed with new school and I hope to God that we are patient enough to deal with her even with all other things going at jet speed. It’s a time when ideally we should get our routine back but I know all the routines will go for a toss. The main thing that hubby and I are trying to strive for is give Daughter her routine and we work after putting her to bed. Right now everything looks so bleak and the road uphill. The nicest thing about it though, is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And that light is helping us get through.
So now you guys know what I have been doing. Apart from all this, I have been also working on something that is very very personal to me. It is something that I had been dreading for what seems forever. But I am now gradually inching closer to achieving it. It is a liberating feeling to conquer your fears. And this time I’am not giving up.
So wish me luck for the month that August is going to be. Hope you guys are less stressed and are having fun.