Have you ever experienced fear?? I don’t mean the random fears that we have in our day to day lives. I mean a particular fear that is very deep rooted. I mean a fear that is always there. A fear that almost controls your life. A fear, when you think about it, it almost makes it difficult to breathe. A fear that you avoided for all this while and are suddenly faced with it. You know you have no choice but to face it or pack away all your dreams. A fear you thought would just go away and one day you would wake up and just find yourself doing what you have always been scared of without any shred of the old fear.
As crazy (or stupid) as it might sound but I had deceived myself into thinking one day my fear would just disappear. I waited for that miracle but it didn’t happen. It took me some time but I realized miracles like that don’t happen. You need to sweat and slog to make it happen. Even after realizing all this, I really didn’t do anything to overcome my fear. I convinced myself into thinking that my fear is bigger than me. And that was my greatest mistake. Instead of trying to overcome it, I thought I would face my fear only if I had to. I was so convinced I could never do it. I forgot it was my life and thus it was my choice. Albeit subconsciously, but none the less I was making a choice to live with my fear and let it grow in me.
Little did I know life had other plans for me. I was very soon in a position where I actually had to face it. I knew I was in deep waters. I knew I had to do something rather than wait for a miracle. I was at dangerous crossroads. I needed to do something that I had convinced myself I could never do. If I thought my fear was bigger before, it was enormous now. And I had nobody to blame but me. Yet I was left with no choice but to face it.
I faced it alright but I failed miserably. I lived up to my expectation of not being able to do it. I shed a lot of tears that day. Cried, cried and cried. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. But somewhere deep I was desperate to overcome my greatest enemy. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. It proved to be an uphill battle. But things got better. Not in a day or week but it took a lot of effort. Not only from me but the hubby and Daughter as well. If it wasn’t for these two I would never try to overcome my fear. I would have been happy believing I can never do it. It is an exhilarating feeling to be bigger than your fear.
I’am not a 100% over my fear yet. Probably I never will be but I will not let it control my life. I will not give up. Not after coming so close. Right now I’am happy that in spite of the fear, I’am trying it and doing good. I also realized that it’s ok to be scared. My only regret is I wish I realized it a little sooner.
Tomorrow is a big day for me personally. I hope I don’t disappoint myself.