Happiness is in letting go. I have always been a person who clings. Clings to loved ones. Clings to memories. Clings to my fears. Clings to basically everything that gives me comfort. Of course with a clinging nature, I often found myself holding on to not only the good things but a lot of bad. While the good ones make a place for beautiful memories, the bad stuff wears you down since you constantly need to lug all the extra unwanted luggage.
I often wondered how free I would feel if I could just throw out all the bad baggage and keep those that are beautiful. But the mind has a way of turning on the switch and before you know it, you get sucked in that dark place where you thought you had locked in those sad moments, losses, painful memories and the what ifs. It creeps up on you on some of the most inappropriate times and plays havoc with your sanity. In my case I’m then found going in a shell and creating a wall around me. There are times I feel handicapped by my own helplessness. The more effort I put in not thinking the more stronger its grip gets on my head.
But in recent years I have found a positive change in myself. If truth be told I’m able to move on. Probably not as quickly like some but nevertheless I do. Its going to be 7 years this January since my dad passed away. Have I moved on ?? Oh yes !! I’ve come a long way from the mess I was during the first few years. But do I miss him ?? Definitely !! I still feel bad sometimes when I see some of his friends leading a healthy-happy life. I still miss the fact that I can’t celebrate my parents anniversary. I still miss him for a lot of selfish reasons. But having said that, I must also admit that these feelings are much far and in between. Mostly his memories bring me smiles.
What I really have trouble with is when a relationship goes bad or if I’ve failed in something. I just can’t let it go. It pricks me endlessly and haunts my peace. It just sits there mocking!! No matter how hard I try I can’t pull myself out. Recently I was in one of this phase and was hating every minute of it. The hubby kept telling me it was my mind and only I had control over my thoughts. He could help but I should be ready to take the help. He has given me this ‘gyan’ several times but somehow it made perfect sense that day.
As simple as it sounds I just got up and started moving and doing random stuff. Just jolting myself out of that space and not sitting there wallowing in self pity seemed to work. Just counting my blessings really helped. So now whenever I get a whiff of the dark clouds, I start to move. Move as in physically move. I’m really trying to be less critical of myself and lowering my expectations. That takes away a lot of pressure too. Exercising has also played a major role in dealing with stress. I have definitely found a change in my thought process. I find myself in a much better mental space.
Of course there will be off days. I need to acknowledge those too. Just give it some time and move on. Not be controlled by those feelings. It definitely feels liberating when the reins are back in your hands. And I plan to keep it like that.