What can I say about today that I’ve not already mentioned here and here. I’ve tried keeping myself busy and ignored all the inner voices. The voices to which if I listen, I’ll be pulled down and down to a very dark place. It’s a day I’ve dreaded for the last 6 years !! One thing I’ve come to realize is grieving has no expiration date. Even though it gets better but the gaps never quite get filled. You just learn to live with them. Just when you think you have come to terms with everything life throws you a certain memory that opens the floodgates and pulls you along.
You would have been 63 last year, had you been alive. Do you look at your friends who are enjoying a retired life now and wish you were here with us too ??
Do you hear me when I talk to you ??
You went exactly the day after Daughter turned 14 months old…. Have you seen her lately ?? Do you feel proud of the beautiful little girl that she is growing up to be ?? Does it make you sad that she doesn’t have any real memory of you ??
Do you feel sad that life didn’t give you a chance to be a doting grandpa just for a little while longer ??
Do you still secretly make fun of mum when you see her coloring her hair ??
Do you still chide me or get irritated when I drive too cautiously or if I take a too wide turn ??
Do you still take hubby’s side when we are fighting ??
Do you still think I’m immature and have not really seen the harsh realities of life ??
But one thing I know is I still miss you. I still miss seeing your smiling eager face in the crowd at the airport when we reach Kolkata.
I still miss making elaborate plans of any and everything with you.
But like every year I know I just have to get used to the fact that you aren’t coming back. I’ll just make my peace by saying a silent prayer hoping that you are at a better place enjoying and looking down upon us with a smile.
It’s that day again… A day that changed my life forever…. A day that has made me dread the month of January…… A day that makes me so restless…. A day no matter how hard I try makes me want shut myself in a room and not come out…. A day when it seems, my mind has a rewind button and plays in a loop the scenes of the dreaded day from 5 years back …. A day when I struggle to even talk to my mum…. A day when all my unanswered questions seem to haunt me…. A day I still try to figure what we could have done to give it a different ending…. A day when I still feel the rawness of the pain… A day I still dwell in ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’….. A day when peoples happiness bothers me…. A day when smiling makes me feel guilty…..
Till yesterday, I had hopes of doing a positive post today but once again the mind has opened all the things that are generally bottled up. It’s like living that nightmare all over again. I hope it will get better with time but till then I have to deal with it.
Just like every year, I hope you are happy and at peace wherever you are. I hope you can see us and feel proud of all our achievements. I hope you continue to watch over us. I hope you still feel our love and know that we miss you. Miss you a lot Baba.
P.S : Please excuse any mistakes, this is one post I don’t wish to edit and check.
They say time is the best healer. Yet some wounds are never healed and some gaps never filled. 4 years ago I got that call. A call that no child ever wants to hear. A call that changed my life forever. Miss you still Baba. Miss you so very much. Miss your larger than life presence. Miss your smile, your voice, your touch and so much more. Miss everything I had taken for granted and thought would last forever. In that one call my forever changed. I realized the unpredictability of life.
It was a Monday, a usual cold January day here. The holiday season was just over but hubby still had some holidays left, so we were planning a trip to the mountains. We were bored with monotony and wanted change. Little did I know how my life would change in matter of a few hours. Just like everyday morning that day too I had called up my parents. My dad was home from work and picked up the phone. He was continuously complaining of a headache. I told him probably it was a cold. After asking me how we were doing and about Daughter (who was 14 months then), he also complained I had not been sending her recent pictures. He told me by the time he would log in the next day he should get some of her latest pictures. Then he told me,” Talk to your mum, my headache is really bothering me.” And those were the last words he spoke to me.
That afternoon I clicked a lot of Daughter’s pictures but he never got a chance to see them. That very night he was taken to a hospital as after a few hours of talking to me he was unable to move his right side of the body. And believe me I was oblivious to all this and went about doing my normal day’s work. I still remember it was around 6:15 that Monday evening, when I got that dreaded call. It was my mum. She had waited to call me for she knew that by 6 hubby would be home and she didn’t want to give me the news when I was alone with a baby. But that time the news was, that he had had a severe heart attack and things were pretty grim. That day I honestly felt the ground had moved from my feet. I was so unprepared. How can a hale and hearty man get a heart attack just like that?? I felt it was some sort of nightmare and wanted to wake up. But everything was so real.
We tried to book tickets online but in vain. Since it was past the business hours we couldn’t get hold of a travel agent. So on Tuesday we were able to get tickets for early Thursday morning. God knows how we lived those 3 days dreading the sound of phones yet praying for good news. Never in my life have I felt so helpless and restless. Every day was a living hell. I acted like a zombie not shedding a drop of tear. We started our journey from here still hearing things are stable and probably he would pull through.
That was the first time we reached India and my dad was not there at the airport. He didn’t even know we would reach that day. After reaching home we were told to go to the hospital straight and that’s when I realized that things weren’t good. I’ll never forget how I saw him that day. My dad who was so full of life was laying so still. You know probably it was then the reality actually started to sink in. It took a lot of effort for me to not break down and cry. He was almost in coma by the time we reached. I had touched him very lightly though I wanted to shake him with all my might. I so wish I had stayed that night with him. I wish I had put up an argument and told everyone what I wanted. But my mind was kind of frozen. I was just doing what everybody was telling me and not letting myself feel. That night he had two more attacks and he was gone the next morning. I can’t believe I left him there all by himself and I live with that guilt every day.
Even though I have come a long way since then but still there are days that are so difficult. I still wish things were different. It’s so difficult for me to accept that Daughter will never get to know him. He will never be there to receive us from the airport . Though he died on January 16th but today is the day he last spoke to me. To me, today is the day I lost him forever. May he rest in peace and be happy wherever he is.