Finally the day is here!! The ‘For Sale’ sign is up on our front yard. AND I HATE IT !!!! It’s been a really emotional day for me. I knew it was going to be tough but I had no idea how much. I’m going through so many mixed emotions right now. I’m praying that the house sells fast yet I hate looking at the sign.
I’m excited for the hubby!! He has landed himself his dream job. I know he truly deserves it and I’m so proud of him. I also know this move is going to be good for our family. And it’s something we talked about for a long time. Yet today I feel I’m not ready. Deep down I feel kind of sad. I don’t know when it started but in these last 9 years this place has become Home. This is the place Daughter grew up. This place has so many ‘firsts’. After our hometown Kolkata, this is the place we’ve lived for so long. Familiar faces are everywhere – the stores, the mall, the school, the library, the post office, the restaurants that we frequent.
But I guess change is the new way of life nowadays. And we’re heading for some big ones. I’m sure the new place will grow on us as well and soon this laid back life of a small town will be a distant fond memory. Till then wish us luck as we transition to a new chapter!!
Laying wide eyed in my bed I think of the first night we slept in this house. It was a Friday night and the hubby and I were super tired after a day full of shifting and running around. The Daughter was as usual chatting nineteen to a dozen sandwiched in between us. The guest bedroom bed was the only one we were able to assemble that day and we slept in that room the first night. The windows didn’t have any blinds and it was pure bliss to look out and see the clear blue sky dotted with innumerable twinkling stars. It was definitely one of the most magical nights of our lives. Sleeping in our own home that first night was a beautiful feeling. So many emotions mixed with the feeling of happiness made a magical concoction.
That was almost 3.5 years ago. Ever since we’ve made so many memories here. We’ve celebrated birthdays, hosted parties, had friends and family over, fought, cried, yelled and loved. If the walls could talk I’m sure they would tell you so many stories of our lives. We were blessed to call this Home our own.
So today as I was cleaning the house, scrubbing the floor, dusting every nook and cranny I felt so sad. This time cleaning was not being done for visiting guests neither was it a regular day of cleaning. This was different!! This time I’m cleaning for the real estate agents to come and look at our house. As I vigorously tidy up and try to brush off the feeling of sadness that’s creeping in me, I look at the wall where there are small pencil marks marking Daughter’s height at various points. I know those marks needs to go. I look at her purple room, a room that’s her sanctuary. The walls that she helped paint. While helping us paint her own room is one of Daughter’s most proud accomplishments, I’m sure the real estate agent will have a lot to say about our painting job.
It’s so strange that every spot, every mark every stain that others might see as imperfections I call them a memory.
It’s such a beautiful feeling when a friend WhatsApps you a mail that you had written almost 17 years ago. It brought back a lot of fond memories. I haven’t met her in the last 17years. She stays in Bangalore and when I go to India, we always go to Kolkata. But somehow we’ve managed to stay in touch. The funniest thing is we were neighbors for only 3 short months and that’s the duration of our ‘real friendship’. Rest has been virtual. How I wish we could meet again. Probably some day somewhere we’ll definitely make our plan happen. Till then we’ll chat in this virtual world.
This has been my mantra since the end of 2017. Even though I questioned it in the beginning which only led to negativity and hopelessness. But soon I got over it and did the best in my capability.
Do I trust it completely ?? No !! But I’m trying. And the funniest thing is I’m not sure whether everything happens for a reason or not. When things are rosy and hunky-dory, you don’t really question anything. It’s only when you start swimming in a storm, that all these come to mind. And I definitely found solace and optimism when I think that everything has a reason. It helps my sanity. It gives me hope.
To My Darling Daughter,
No today is not your birthday but here I am writing a letter to you. Why, you wonder !! Today morning in that moment when you were holding back that single drop of tear, millions of emotions raged in me. In the that moment when you were denying that you were crying, for the first time I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to say except kiss you and hug you. And I really want to apologize because mommy needs to do better than that!!
I know 3rd grade has been a little tough for you emotionally. From getting bullied in the bus to your very close friend being friends with the bullies and teaming up against you. I know it’s been rough. As a mum it’s my job to say all the right things that sometimes sound so lame. But honey, I want you to truly believe that I understand. While I tell you to stand up for yourself or ignore depending on what the situation demands, I wish I could actually tell you to slap that kid and I’ll deal with the consequences later. But I hold back.
You are a very sweet kid. I often complain about how quickly you are growing up there are often times Daddy and I feel in comparison to your peers or fellow 9/10 year olds, you are still very innocent. I see kids who are a lot more street smart. Often during such times I get so scared. I feel even now when your peers are still in the very-much-kid-category age, often they are manipulative and take your niceness for granted. So many tell me, you’ll change with age and others close to us tell me that such niceness is an asset and I shouldn’t worry. But my mommy mind worries. Sometimes I honestly wish you weren’t so nice. I wish you were not afraid of confrontations. I wish you could give back a taste of their medicine. But you are too kind.
You hate fights !! You hate screaming and bickering. You are generally a calm and peaceful person. You get really upset when people around you are sad, sick or distressed. While I know your exceptionally sweet and helpful nature makes you the loving little girl for not only family but your teachers also adore. But sometimes, sometimes this very selfish mommy wishes you didn’t care as much about others, were a little more selfish, mean when need be. But I know that’s just me being protective mama bear. Selfish thoughts not shared by Daddy who reprimands me when I think these thoughts aloud. So often than not, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.
Like I always tell you, wait till you grow up a little more true friendship will happen. You will find that one/few friends. You just need to trust me. But never let yourself be treated badly. Back when you were little I always said, “Treat every one like how you like being treated”. But today I want to say, “treat yourself how you treat others and never settle for anything less”. And that my dear is something you have to learn.
And no matter how old you get you don’t need to hide those tears from us. Crying does not mean you’re weak.
Love you to pieces sweetie pie !!
Summer holidays are in full swing here. I can’t believe I’m a mom of a super independent 3rd grader. Now I’ve always been one of those mums who was never in a hurry to fast forward the toddler years or the whiney phases. I always held those precious days to my heart. I lived in the moment and enjoyed every stage, pleasant or not. And if I’m honest, for most part it was a pretty smooth ride. Now that I see her growing up and becoming increasingly independent, I get emotional. While my heart swells with pride sometimes but then there are times I wish she was still my baby. But that’s a post for a different time :).
Already we are in the 3rd week of summer vacation and we are busy doing fun things while trying not to ignore our basic routine. The routine that I hold on to for dear life. The routine that keeps me sane. Daughter has planned her day pretty well. She has very wisely decided to do her daily studies in the morning straight after breakfast which is often followed by piano practice. Once those two are done, she has the whole day to play, bike, visit neighborhood friends and last but definitely not the least reading. She is still allowed to watch tv only on the weekends. So far things have things have been pretty smooth. Fingers crossed 🤞!! Unlike some kids I hear of, Daughter pretty much entertains herself with pretend play and books for most of her time.
Friday we also leave for our week long vacation to the beach. So lots of fun coming our way. It’s going to be a much needed break for the hubby and me. Of course our friends from Indiana are also joining us. And what better way to unwind than to sip margaritas at the beach while the kids makes sandcastles and chase the waves. Can’t wait for the fun in the sun to begin !!
As I type I’m sitting outside her piano class and can’t believe how much she has progressed since she started about 2 months back. And the best part is she enjoys playing the piano and performing for us. I must say the decision to learn piano was more me than anyone else. Daughter is generally game to explore new stuff and try different things. But I told her this was something I really wanted her to learn. It’s something I always wanted but never quite got around doing it. And I’m so glad I ‘imposed’ this on her because she seems to be quite a natural.
Yeah once again I’m here with a mish mash of jumbled stuff. That’s exactly what happens when you’re gone for a bit. There are so many things I want to document that deserves a full post but I never quite get doing them. Every time I sit to write, somehow I get carried away with the current thoughts of daily life and those that are crying for attention gets pushed back for another day. So that’s it for today !! Talk to you soon !!
There’s a strange sense of feel good by the time I reach Wednesday. Yes it’s the hump day and you only have to deal with the boring Thursday and even though Friday is a work/school day but well it’s Friday!! While I’ve often wondered how growing up I never saw the days of the week impact my or my parents mood but I’ve resigned to the fact that days do impact our moods greatly.
Today on a whim I decided to get the grocery shopping done instead of waiting for the weekend. That way I have one less thing to worry about and it’s so much better to do the shopping alone. The stores are less crowded and it’s easier to read labels without people giving you the ‘stares’. Of course shopping at my own pace also means buying way too many things. But for once I made sure I checked all the items off the list. So hopefully no surprises when I start cooking.
I’m currently in love with the Pioneer Woman collection. Or let’s just say I love watching her show. Even though her collection is a little too rustic for my taste, but nevertheless I love looking at them. And I definitely love the gadgets and the different whisks and spatulas which are really handy if you happen to cook in a Dutch oven or in cast iron. These two happen to be my recent loves. I absolutely loooove them !! But I digress 🙂 !! So today I bought a set of mason jars with straws from the PW collection. With spring coming our way soon, I thought it would be a perfect touch to have juices, smoothies and lemonades from. And these yellow lid mason jars seemed perfect for the lazy summer afternoons or a picnic in the backyard. Now all I need is a nice picnic hamper.
You can guess, I’m in full preparation of the upcoming spring/summer months. And this time of the year makes me happy with days just about starting to get longer and a promise in the air. It makes one hopeful and in my case I choose to ignore the forecast of snow next week. For today, I’ll just look at the clear blue sky and the afternoon sun.
It’s definitely a good feeling when you are able to keep your emotions in check. Of course when I was actually trying to bite my tongue and do a mental countdown to keep my anger/frustrations at bay, I didn’t feel the goodness. Now that I look back on the events of morning I want to pat my back. Sometimes it’s best to let it slide and ignore. Sometimes we need to look at the bigger picture and let it pass. Sometimes it’s so not worth it. And of course sometimes we just need to realize from whom it’s coming from and whether they deserve a little more understanding from us.
While I’m not advocating taking shit from anybody/everybody but it’s alright if we can keep our mouths shut sometimes especially if it’s no big deal. Atleast that’s definitely what I’m working on for my sanity. For me if I open my mouth I’m not able to choose my words and that often leads to hurt feelings and my overreacting and saying things that I don’t mean. Of course when I look back I get into this guilt space and often find I excuse the other person (even if he/she deserved my wrath) and blame myself for the argument. And all because I was the person yelling and not thinking before speaking. That as we all know isn’t very pleasant.
So today as I sit thinking about my morning I’m impressed at how I handled somethings. I let my patience win over my normal impatient self. For once I tried to let a remark pass just because I didn’t care. I no longer need to prove anything to anyone. I no longer need to win every argument to prove my point. Sometimes silence wins over bigger battles. And I definitely love this little change in me. Maybe as they say I’m mellowing down with age.
Some days I’m happy but somehow when I sit to write and share my daily dose of happiness it’s difficult to pen it down. I’ve been trying to think what do I attribute my today’s happy to but I can’t pin point any single incident. It’s been a rather typical Monday and who ever has anything good to write about a Monday that’s not even a holiday. Yeah, not me either!! But I can’t say I’m upset either. Because the day has been kind of ok-ish. Like I said typical random stuff a Monday entails. So no surprises and no disappointments.
By now you must have guessed I really don’t have anything to write about. So hence this blabbering 😜. But what can I do, I can’t give up after coming this close. The more I’m inching closer the more difficult it’s getting. I’m kind of hitting that freeze where the mind absolutely refuses to cooperate.
So for today let me spare you guys as well as myself from this errr ramblings and just say that today’s happiness has no reason. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. No one was extra nice. Infact most of my day was spent reading but still I feel happy. You know not the burst of happiness kind of happy but just a calm and content happiness. A place where you genuinely think every cloud has a silver lining. So while I go and count my blessings, you guys think happy thoughts too.
Pic courtesy: Google
Isn’t this true for all of us ??!! I find doing the most random things with my loved ones often are the most cherished mements. One of the happiest moments of our daily life is when I’m cooking during the weekends while the hubby is helping or just chatting with me and Daughter’s cheerful banter in the background. And of course some good music. This happens on almost all weekends and sometimes on a week night but inspite of this being a repeated event, I’m never bored. In fact we look forward to it. The three of us feel happy and content. The harmony brings a sense of peace. It’s these random moments that take away all the stresses of daily life.